[Love "Strange"] This series:
Basically, people who are confused come to consult and register, erase all personal privacy, and then organize Written.
The original intention was to help me clarify my thinking, because "how to rationally view and analyze feelings" is not as easy as it sounds.
Surprisingly, after reading it, many people send a private message to express their gratitude, saying that they have indeed helped themselves in their lives.
While I was surprised that the emotional "common sense" I thought was not the "consensus" of everyone, I was also very happy that some of my ideas could be really valuable.
This series will continue to update several articles in the future. I hope that bystanders do not use human empathy to "substitute themselves" into other people’s stories. Excessively entangled in the "right or wrong" of the person involved, but think about it carefully:
"How did a love partner get to this point today? We ourselves, again How to avoid it?"
As the saying goes, "Every family has scriptures that are difficult to recite."
How can I read it well? Hope this article can provide a possible idea.
Every day, I’m sorry to ask you something about my husband.
I think my husband has his own advantages.
For example, he treats children very well and cares about them. At the same time, he also values his family and treats them very well. These are what I think he satisfied me.
But I feel that his shortcomings are also very obvious, especially when he is doing things, he often has good eyes and low hands. For example, I have repeatedly suggested to him that if he wants to succeed in the future, he should start from the bottom at the beginning, and he should accept more experience. But I said it many times, and he didn't want to listen.
To be honest, he is already quite knowledgeable among the people around us, at least better than ordinary people. But I also know that this is not enough. He is still far away from real success.
But he feels too good about himself, and he is not willing to learn at ordinary times. He is not self-motivated. In his free time, he is playing games, not reading, learning, or doing real meaningful things.
On the other hand, when I came to see me, my friends have said many times that I am a particularly positive person. I love learning and I am not afraid of difficulties. I have never stopped studying English or going to fitness. At work, I am also exquisite, and I love to help others.
Maybe because I work in a large institution, and my husband, he is in business, so I feel that the difference in thinking between the two of us is becoming bigger and bigger.
To be honest, my husband’s business is doing average, and my family has also lent him millions. I hope he can do a good job in his business, but he hasn’t really succeeded now. I also feel that because of this incident, I feel a little guilty for my family.
Many times, I feel tired and very distressed. Like educating a son, I have been educating my husband all day and helping him grow up.
And I did not disrespect him. I usually pay special attention to the way I communicate with my husband. I talk to him very gently and patiently, reasoning for him, and always encouraging him.
But now I feel a little bit as if the emperor is not in a hurry and the eunuch is in a hurry, as if he has no motivation at all, and I can't make much effort next to him, and there are some barriers and contradictions.
I really can’t restrain my inner insecurity now. I don’t think he can give me what I want, and he doesn’t want to listen to me. I’m really scared and hesitated.
Help, what should I do?
Hello, I have read your question completely and carefully.
To be honest, what you are facing is indeed a very troublesome problem.
Moreover, the most troublesome aspect of this problem is that a large proportion of the many causes of the problem are your own body.
Let’s start with the most interesting sentence you said:
"I am patiently educating my husband like a son, but he still won’t live up to it." What should I do?
What should I do if I meet a rogue neighbor in my life? In the article, I explained in detail what the "Pygmalion effect" is and what impact it will have on the relationship between people.
To put it simply:
It is your expectations of others, whether good or bad, which will truly affect their performance in front of you. Because the other person, as an individual who also has advanced emotional abilities, can truly feel the emotions you convey.
If you encourage sincerely, the other person will really improve. The reverse is also the same. If you always feel that the other party is unsatisfied, the other party will become less and less unsatisfactory. And it's very possible that this kind of disagreement is not what the other party really wants, it may just be to hurt you.
Your problem is not that you discourage your husband, but that the way you "encourage" is very strange.
The most important thing in intimacy is equality.
I often say that the most important thing in intimacy is equality.
You feel that you are encouraging your husband "like educating a son." Do you think this is equal?
Of course, the status of children and parents is not necessarily unequal, but from your words, I can’t feel this equality. At the same time, I also hope that you can ask yourself the truth, don't answer me, answer your own heart: Do you think in your mind, you and your husband are equal?
In fact, just by reading your text, I can imagine the picture you said:
"I usually pay special attention to the way of communication, and I speak to him very gently and patiently. , Always encourage him.”
This picture, telling the truth, is indeed very offensive, because my father always does this.
My father once said that he thinks that some people are really difficult to communicate. For example, sometimes he feels that he has tried very hard to lower his posture in order to speak as calmly as possible to the other person, but the other person’s tone Still very welcome.
I laughed at the time and said to him, "Let’s pull it down, how could the other party be polite with your condescending attitude."
He was very unhappy and said that I had worked hard to let it go. Low profile, why do you still say that I am condescending?
I said it's very simple. If you don't presuppose that you are a bit taller than the other party in your heart, why do you have to "lower" your posture to communicate "equally" with the other party? The reason why you want to be "approachable" is because you have a "very high self-esteem".
My father looked at me unconvincingly, but I ignored him and continued:
"I know your style too well. It's not that others are not easy to get along with. It's your own problem."
My dad couldn't beat me at the time, and then he couldn't talk about it, so I stopped talking.
This is actually a bit like a paragraph in the "Luo Luo Quotations" back then:
A leader gave a speech and said first, "Maybe many people can’t believe it, but after all, It's an ordinary person." Lao Luo Tucao said, "Who the hell said you are not an ordinary person?"
Your current state is exactly the same.
In your description, you repeatedly emphasized what a positive person you are, and then how friendly and humble your attitude towards your husband is. At the same time, you casually mentioned several so-called advantages of your husband, It seems that you are looking at this issue in a comprehensive and objective way.
Of course, I believe this is how you really feel. But true feelings are not necessarily true feelings.
I think if you really want to understand the problem in your relationship, you might as well stop, stop encouraging your husband, and reflect on yourself sincerely first:
Look at the large "registered" description above, what adjectives you use when you praise yourself and when you praise your husband. Don't answer me, just answer your own heart. Are you really complimenting him?
The wording is not important, the important thing is to take your heart.
I remember that in a certain episode of "Wonderful", the debater Huang Zhizhong mentioned a point of view many times.Don't agree with:
In people-to-person communication, often the wording itself is not the most important. The most important thing is the emotion behind the wording.
He cited two examples in the two paragraphs:
The first example is about "swearing".
If we say that a person is "stupid", we seem to be scolding each other, but maybe close friends teasing each other?
And if we say that a person "seems to have a slightly low IQ", it seems that the expression is very euphemistic, but the tone and expression may have revealed maliciousness that cannot be concealed.
Is "dirty words" important in the words? Not important, the most important thing is whether there is "maliciousness" in the words.
The second example is about "visiting terminally ill patients."
If we sincerely sympathize with friends and relatives we care about, even if we sit there and just say that the weather is good, or even say nothing, the other person can feel our love.
But if we are just perfunctory for the sake of face, or if we worry about leaking the truth about the deterioration of the condition and affecting the other's mood, but just say some kind words, then no amount of "blessings" will be pale and weak.
No matter how good the auspicious words are, it is useless. The key is how the speaker's heart thinks.
Your husband may be really inferior to you in terms of ability, or maybe just inferior to you in some aspects at certain stages, but what you express is that he is inferior to you in every way and cannot satisfy you in every way.
And regardless of his abilities and IQ, as an adult who can take care of himself, his EQ may not be as good as yours, and his ability to feel other people’s emotions may not be as good as you.
No matter how gentle and encouraging words are on your lips, as long as you are not minded, what you say is useless. And you look down on him from the bottom of your heart, he must be able to feel it.
Back to your concern, how should you face your husband?
You said that you study English and fitness during get off work hours, but your husband is playing games. Don’t read books, don’t study, and don’t do real meaningful things. Whoever stipulates the rules for learning English, fitness and reading books must be Is it more meaningful than playing games? Why does he have to live according to your ideas?
You said that your husband’s business is average. Family members have also lent him millions. I hope he can do a better business. But now he has not really succeeded. Also a little guilty. Then don’t use the money from your parents to subsidize him. Maybe he can go better without the support of the family, and maybe he has failed completely without the support of the family, so he can understand that he is indeed on a wrong path. Up?
Everyone’s attitude towards life is his own choice. You also said that your husband is very concerned about children and family members. This shows that he is a person who values family. It is his strength, but not everyone has only strengths and no weaknesses. There is no perfect lover. If you choose him, it is bound to accept his "good and bad".
You have to remember that in an ideal marriage relationship, two people should be "partners" that are considerate and grow together, rather than "rivals" that compete with each other and compare back and forth. We are with each other on a journey of life, rather than making each other the "puppets" we want.
Really, reflect on your attitude and adjust yourself.
Hey, the above is the new issue of [Scientist Planting the Sun Column], this column is updated every Sunday, and friends who are interested come to Chunyu regularly to see it.
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Copyright statement: This article is an original manuscript by Dr. Chun Yu, and the copyright belongs to Dr. Chun Yu. Reprinting is prohibited with authorization, please @
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